Someone tell me why it is that I well up with tears when being disagreed with, or being misunderstood. I was apparently scheduled to work today, a fact I did not discover until I was in my car on the way to Brainerd on a birthday shopping trip (thanks Mum!). I was called by the manager of the store I’m meant to be at today, whom I have yet to meet but she sounds amazingly kind and understanding. It wasn’t with her I got emotional. It was my boss. She has a very “it’s your problem, deal with it” kinda attitude when you have to call in, or when you realize you’ve apparently forgotten a shift. Despite the fact that all the schedules I had seen – on the bulletin board at Nisswa and in my date book – clearly stated I had the 3rd off.
Apparently we (my boss and I) had discussed the 3rd and I’d said I was available to work. I don’t remember this particular occasion, but I’m willing to believe I just forgot about it, since my memory isn’t always the best (despite the fact that I love Sudoku, can memorise lines for plays, and know almost everything about almost every Simpsons episode from seasons 1 – 10). My conversation with my boss went like this:
Me: I can work it, I’ve organized daycare for Adelaide with my in-laws, but yeah, I’m sorry there must have been a misunderstanding or something.
Boss: Well we did discuss it, when I called to organize you working at Crosslake, I specifically said the 3rd and the 5th and you said okay.
Me: I’m sure I did, I’m sorry that I forgot.
Boss: Because I remember discussing it.
Me: … yeah I’m sure we did, I probably just misunderstood or forgot. I’m sorry. I’ve organized daycare and I can get there soon.
Boss: That’s okay, just get there when you can.
Maybe I’m being too bratty, but that seemed a bit unnecessary. Yeah, we discussed it, you said we did, and then you keep harping on it even though I’ve apologized and said I can come into work. DESPITE the fact that I have plans, have to organize daycare, and haven’t washed my work clothes yet because I didn’t think I was working again until Saturday.
Argh.
I guess the real issue isn’t whether I forgot it, or whether my boss was being unnecessarily mean. The issue here is, why the hell did I well up with tears after hanging up the phone from this conversation? Despite the matter of what she was saying, she wasn’t yelling or being rude, not really. I understand her point of view, in that she was under the assumption she had all shifts covered, only to discover one employee had forgotten or failed to notice it. So I can see why she would have been annoyed. But I got more upset about it than I really should have. I even gave myself a stern talking-to on the way back home: “It’s only work, there’s no need to get upset. Stop with the upset already.” But I still almost actually cried. If it weren’t for the tall iced latte, and the full-blast singing-along to the theme songs of Excel Saga and Chrno Crusade in the car, I probably would have.
Well, I guess I’m posting this for some suggestions. I’m not big on confrontation, in fact I avoid it where at all possible. I’d rather “suffer” myself than confront someone about anything. But when it happens, I really need to learn to deal with it properly and maturely. I tried distraction, and that seemed to work. But I know I won’t always be able to distract myself, and I don’t want to ever break down in tears over something someone has said to me at work, or in any aspect. Any suggestions on how I can get over this whole thing?
Showing posts with label all about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label all about me. Show all posts
Jul 3, 2008
Jun 20, 2008
[insert appropriate title here]
I had a bit of a breakdown the other night. You know how it goes - crying on your husband's shoulder in bed, not being able to shut your mind off to try and sleep, feeling miserable enough to transfer over to the next day. All that jazz. As it so often happens, it started as one tiny thing and gushed open into a million others.
It seems my current 'button' that pushes me over the edge is my milk supply. Now, Adelaide has had formula before at daycare when necessary, and although I'm not a huge fan of it, I'd rather her have that than go hungry. But as best as I can, I want to make sure she's eating as much breastmilk as possible. So when my supply goes wonky, I tend to go wonky also. And the other night, my supply was going wonky. In hindsight, it was probably due to being sick over the weekend, or maybe not drinking enough milk and/or water myself, but at the time I was freaking. It was about 10pm the night before an 8-hour shift - for which I had just over a full bottle for Laidey (about 6 or 7 ounces all up). True, she could just have formula if she gets hunrgy, but I think I was in a bit of a fragile mood anyway, because it got me crying. Not just that, though. The whole thing about why I even have to work at all.
I don't want to be one of those people who bitches about "back in the day it cost a nickel to fill the car up, and it'd run for dickety-six miles on the sniff of an oily rag". But with the price of gas, plus the price of childcare, going to work often seems like an exercise in futility. I'm making US$7 an hour. Minimum wage. Yeah, it sucks. Childcare and gas costs approximately $37 per shift. So in order to break even, I need to work for at least six hours at a time. At the moment, they're giving me 8-hour shifts, which is good, but it's still only getting me $56 a shift, before tax. At the very, very most, I'm making $20 a shift. So sometimes it's kinda depressing to think about.
Plus there's the whole maternal thing. I like to work (mostly), but I also like being a mother. I love my baby like you wouldn't believe, and I love to spend time with her. I know being a stay-at-home mum isn't an option, but it's a truth I accept and act upon reluctantly.
So, take the "exercise-in-futility" mindset, weigh it against the "I-love-spending-time-with-my-baby" mindset, and add to the mix the "holy-crap-my-supply-is-running-low" mindset, and... well it ain't pretty. As I said before, my brain wouldn't shut off, I couldn't fall back onto the whole Scarlett O'Hara mantra of "I won't think about it now; I'll think about it tomorrow". It was there, in the front of my mind, and I couldn't ignore it. I was working for pennies a day, which was taking me away from someone I love fiercely, and I couldn't even make it up to her by supplying her with enough food for while I was gone.
Fun times.
And I learnt something about myself while I was bawling my eyes out. Most of the time, the things I'm crying about aren't what they appear. It really wasn't my supply, or that I'm not making much money at work. It's that I'm not at home. That's really what it comes down to. I found myself thinking, "If only I was home. If only I was home I could be making so much more money... I wouldn't have to pay for childcare because Mum or Kerrin or someone could watch Adelaide... I wouldn't be living in my in-laws' basement... I would feel so much happier at home..."
And that's pretty much the core of anything I'm ever upset or angry or frustrated about these days. Everything comes back to "if I were at home, things would be different/easier/better."
I've got to stop thinking that way.
Simply put, I'm not home, and I won't be home for some years yet, most likely. It sucks, but that's the truth of it. I married Aaron knowing (though perhaps not to such an extreme extent) that life would be difficult for one of us no matter where we lived, and we made the choice to live in the States. This is where I'm living, this is where my "home" is right now.
Now, I'm not saying I should completely turn my back on Australia, or that being homesick is wrong. But to blame all my problems on being here instead of there, and imagining that everything would be hunky-dory if only we were back home, that's not helpful.
I sometimes get annoyed that I'm the one 'suffering' while Aaron gets to stay in his home land. But then I imagine moving back home with Aaron and Adelaide, and I see how crushed Mary and John would be... their already-small family being split in half. They love Adelaide so much, and she thinks they're just the bee's knees. I can't imagine it. And when I think seriously about moving home, when we start to think of the logistics, I can see why Aaron would be reluctant. We'd probably move back to Keith or Bordertown, so we'd be surrounded by a bunch of yobbos and bogans... not exactly Aaron's type of place.
Maybe it's that I'm more adaptable and flexible than he is. I never thought about that. I don't feel it very much, but I guess I kinda am. A lot of people have told me how much they admire me for moving halfway across the world from my home and family, and a lot of the time I just brush it off, joking that "love makes you do some crazy things". I don't see it as something admirable. I love Aaron, so I'm here. Simple as that. It's nothing I've worked hard for, or aimed for all my life. I fell in love, and now I'm here. It just happened. I know it's not really as simple as all that, but that's what it comes down to. If I'm really as homesick as this blog shows (and I'm sure I am), then it must be an insurmountable love that's keeping me here. And I know I've got that in Aaron. What a guy. <3
Well. I'm not sure exactly what this post was meant to be. It kinda went around in circles, and so if you're still with me, here at the end, I commend you. If I could give you a cookie, I would.
It seems my current 'button' that pushes me over the edge is my milk supply. Now, Adelaide has had formula before at daycare when necessary, and although I'm not a huge fan of it, I'd rather her have that than go hungry. But as best as I can, I want to make sure she's eating as much breastmilk as possible. So when my supply goes wonky, I tend to go wonky also. And the other night, my supply was going wonky. In hindsight, it was probably due to being sick over the weekend, or maybe not drinking enough milk and/or water myself, but at the time I was freaking. It was about 10pm the night before an 8-hour shift - for which I had just over a full bottle for Laidey (about 6 or 7 ounces all up). True, she could just have formula if she gets hunrgy, but I think I was in a bit of a fragile mood anyway, because it got me crying. Not just that, though. The whole thing about why I even have to work at all.
I don't want to be one of those people who bitches about "back in the day it cost a nickel to fill the car up, and it'd run for dickety-six miles on the sniff of an oily rag". But with the price of gas, plus the price of childcare, going to work often seems like an exercise in futility. I'm making US$7 an hour. Minimum wage. Yeah, it sucks. Childcare and gas costs approximately $37 per shift. So in order to break even, I need to work for at least six hours at a time. At the moment, they're giving me 8-hour shifts, which is good, but it's still only getting me $56 a shift, before tax. At the very, very most, I'm making $20 a shift. So sometimes it's kinda depressing to think about.
Plus there's the whole maternal thing. I like to work (mostly), but I also like being a mother. I love my baby like you wouldn't believe, and I love to spend time with her. I know being a stay-at-home mum isn't an option, but it's a truth I accept and act upon reluctantly.
So, take the "exercise-in-futility" mindset, weigh it against the "I-love-spending-time-with-my-baby" mindset, and add to the mix the "holy-crap-my-supply-is-running-low" mindset, and... well it ain't pretty. As I said before, my brain wouldn't shut off, I couldn't fall back onto the whole Scarlett O'Hara mantra of "I won't think about it now; I'll think about it tomorrow". It was there, in the front of my mind, and I couldn't ignore it. I was working for pennies a day, which was taking me away from someone I love fiercely, and I couldn't even make it up to her by supplying her with enough food for while I was gone.
Fun times.
And I learnt something about myself while I was bawling my eyes out. Most of the time, the things I'm crying about aren't what they appear. It really wasn't my supply, or that I'm not making much money at work. It's that I'm not at home. That's really what it comes down to. I found myself thinking, "If only I was home. If only I was home I could be making so much more money... I wouldn't have to pay for childcare because Mum or Kerrin or someone could watch Adelaide... I wouldn't be living in my in-laws' basement... I would feel so much happier at home..."
And that's pretty much the core of anything I'm ever upset or angry or frustrated about these days. Everything comes back to "if I were at home, things would be different/easier/better."
I've got to stop thinking that way.
Simply put, I'm not home, and I won't be home for some years yet, most likely. It sucks, but that's the truth of it. I married Aaron knowing (though perhaps not to such an extreme extent) that life would be difficult for one of us no matter where we lived, and we made the choice to live in the States. This is where I'm living, this is where my "home" is right now.
Now, I'm not saying I should completely turn my back on Australia, or that being homesick is wrong. But to blame all my problems on being here instead of there, and imagining that everything would be hunky-dory if only we were back home, that's not helpful.
I sometimes get annoyed that I'm the one 'suffering' while Aaron gets to stay in his home land. But then I imagine moving back home with Aaron and Adelaide, and I see how crushed Mary and John would be... their already-small family being split in half. They love Adelaide so much, and she thinks they're just the bee's knees. I can't imagine it. And when I think seriously about moving home, when we start to think of the logistics, I can see why Aaron would be reluctant. We'd probably move back to Keith or Bordertown, so we'd be surrounded by a bunch of yobbos and bogans... not exactly Aaron's type of place.
Maybe it's that I'm more adaptable and flexible than he is. I never thought about that. I don't feel it very much, but I guess I kinda am. A lot of people have told me how much they admire me for moving halfway across the world from my home and family, and a lot of the time I just brush it off, joking that "love makes you do some crazy things". I don't see it as something admirable. I love Aaron, so I'm here. Simple as that. It's nothing I've worked hard for, or aimed for all my life. I fell in love, and now I'm here. It just happened. I know it's not really as simple as all that, but that's what it comes down to. If I'm really as homesick as this blog shows (and I'm sure I am), then it must be an insurmountable love that's keeping me here. And I know I've got that in Aaron. What a guy. <3
Well. I'm not sure exactly what this post was meant to be. It kinda went around in circles, and so if you're still with me, here at the end, I commend you. If I could give you a cookie, I would.
May 28, 2008
Hooray for band-wagons
Yes, I know. I've jumped on the Blogger band-wagon. Quite comfy actually, someone's thought to provide cushions - and is that a minibar I see?! Hot damn, I'm in good company.
So why am I starting this blog? As some of my long-standing valued readers may realise, I was quite a journaller (journalist? journalista?) back in the day. I have a box filled to the brim with old notebooks and exercise books that are full of my high-schoolish proses and musings. Mostly about boys. "OMG I'm totally in love with Scott/Duane/Ashley/Ben/Josh/Trevor/Ben/Josh/no, definitely Ben/Paul/Nathen." Yeah. You get the picture. Ahh, for the days of my youth. And I've had other blogs over the Intarwebz in the past, usually more of a "this is what I did today OH BOY IT'S GREAT FUN" variety. I've also been into musing on a spiritual level as well, having prayer journals in which I would write out my prayers and thoughts and worries and bring them to God, and sometimes I would write poems and songs.
My penchant for journalling and blogging seems to have lagged of late, mostly (I'd say) because I guess I lost my purpose or aim in exactly what I was doing. I remember first setting up an internet blog when I came to the States back in 2004, so that my family and friends could keep up with how my trip was going, but when I got back it kinda fizzled and became more about the lead-up to our wedding, and how much of a jerkwad my old boss was (he was an interesting one... he had some major anger management issues). Then over the past year, I've been somewhat preoccupied with the whole gestating, giving birth and being a mother thing. It's only taken over almost my entire life, so you can see how I may not have had much time for blogging anymore.
So why start one up now? Especially when I have a Totsite for my daughter, where I can update everyone on her progress, which is pretty much what is overtaking my life (see last sentence of above paragraph). Well, firstly, there's the whole band-wagon thing (did I mention the minibar? - mmm, mojitos...) and secondly, well, I have a lot to say I suppose. Some people here in the States probably don't realise it, and some people back home in Australia probably don't realise it either. I guess life is a lot different to how I pictured it, and seemingly I have adapted to fit into this new rollercoaster of a life. So I'd guess most of you don't really know much about how I think these days. But don't feel too bad, it isn't your fault. Adapting to my new life has seen me become a lot more introverted, maybe even a little fearful? No, that's not the right word. I guess, less trusting? No, wait. Argh. I suck at teh rytingz. I guess I mean, I'm not as willing to be open to anyone I meet anymore. I know this really is something I need to work on, and maybe something I need to trust God more for (more about That Guy in another entry), but the simple fact of the matter is, that's how I am these days. Or at least, for the time being. We'll see what the future holds.
I got lost... what was I saying? Oh yes. Why I'm starting a new blog. Well, I've realised recently that I've been getting more and more nostalgic when I think about Australia, and the family and friends I have back there (hence the url address of my site, stupidpacific.blogger.com - as in, "stupid Pacific Ocean, get outta my way"... get it? Yes? No? Okay). This could be because my visa is due to expire within the next two months - yeah, tell me about it! Two years has passed like a freight train. I'm in the process of adjusting my status - in fact, I'll hopefully be sending out the application on Friday. Let's just hope those lovely chaps at Immigration Services get to it and send me my receipt notice before July 23rd, hey? Maybe I should start some kind of a countdown on this page. Wonder how I can set that up? I shall have to explore this whole Blogger thing over the next couple of days. Anyway.
And as much as I love the guy, I don't want to get too nostalgic and homesick around Aaron. It's not that he wouldn't understand, or that he would resent it. I do have moments where I'm feeling sad or whatever, and I just have to say that I'm homesick and he's fantastic about it. But I don't want to overwhelm him. It's not his fault that I'm 15,000kms from my home. We love each other, and are in this whole marriage thing for the long haul, and we both knew that being married would include some incredible sacrifices for the both of us, more so than couples who are both from the same country. And more so for me, since it was more 'logical' for us to live here. I knew that, and I made the decision to move here. And I don't think it's fair for me to continually go on at him about how much I miss Australia, and how awesome it would be if we could move back, and why can't we move back right now, and so on. The truth is, I think about home a lot, and they're my thoughts. I can be pretty flighty and confusing in my thoughts, so to verbalise them can be pretty overwhelming for him, I'm sure.
This has turned out to be a much longer first post than I originally intended. Thus proving beyond any doubt that I have a lot to say. Also, if I got too emotional and whatever with the whole Australia thing just now, for anyone back home reading this, I'm sorry if I made you sad reading it. I do like it here, and I'm glad I'm here, but you know how it goes... be it ever so humble, there's no place like home, etc.
Okay well I think I'm heading off now! That's enough of an essay to get you all started. I will most likely be adding to this a lot over the next few days. And, as most of my long-time valued readers will know, I can sometimes go for long periods of time between entries... I'm like that. Easily distracted by new things and-- ooh look! That dog has a puffy tail!!
So why am I starting this blog? As some of my long-standing valued readers may realise, I was quite a journaller (journalist? journalista?) back in the day. I have a box filled to the brim with old notebooks and exercise books that are full of my high-schoolish proses and musings. Mostly about boys. "OMG I'm totally in love with Scott/Duane/Ashley/Ben/Josh/Trevor/Ben/Josh/no, definitely Ben/Paul/Nathen." Yeah. You get the picture. Ahh, for the days of my youth. And I've had other blogs over the Intarwebz in the past, usually more of a "this is what I did today OH BOY IT'S GREAT FUN" variety. I've also been into musing on a spiritual level as well, having prayer journals in which I would write out my prayers and thoughts and worries and bring them to God, and sometimes I would write poems and songs.
My penchant for journalling and blogging seems to have lagged of late, mostly (I'd say) because I guess I lost my purpose or aim in exactly what I was doing. I remember first setting up an internet blog when I came to the States back in 2004, so that my family and friends could keep up with how my trip was going, but when I got back it kinda fizzled and became more about the lead-up to our wedding, and how much of a jerkwad my old boss was (he was an interesting one... he had some major anger management issues). Then over the past year, I've been somewhat preoccupied with the whole gestating, giving birth and being a mother thing. It's only taken over almost my entire life, so you can see how I may not have had much time for blogging anymore.
So why start one up now? Especially when I have a Totsite for my daughter, where I can update everyone on her progress, which is pretty much what is overtaking my life (see last sentence of above paragraph). Well, firstly, there's the whole band-wagon thing (did I mention the minibar? - mmm, mojitos...) and secondly, well, I have a lot to say I suppose. Some people here in the States probably don't realise it, and some people back home in Australia probably don't realise it either. I guess life is a lot different to how I pictured it, and seemingly I have adapted to fit into this new rollercoaster of a life. So I'd guess most of you don't really know much about how I think these days. But don't feel too bad, it isn't your fault. Adapting to my new life has seen me become a lot more introverted, maybe even a little fearful? No, that's not the right word. I guess, less trusting? No, wait. Argh. I suck at teh rytingz. I guess I mean, I'm not as willing to be open to anyone I meet anymore. I know this really is something I need to work on, and maybe something I need to trust God more for (more about That Guy in another entry), but the simple fact of the matter is, that's how I am these days. Or at least, for the time being. We'll see what the future holds.
I got lost... what was I saying? Oh yes. Why I'm starting a new blog. Well, I've realised recently that I've been getting more and more nostalgic when I think about Australia, and the family and friends I have back there (hence the url address of my site, stupidpacific.blogger.com - as in, "stupid Pacific Ocean, get outta my way"... get it? Yes? No? Okay). This could be because my visa is due to expire within the next two months - yeah, tell me about it! Two years has passed like a freight train. I'm in the process of adjusting my status - in fact, I'll hopefully be sending out the application on Friday. Let's just hope those lovely chaps at Immigration Services get to it and send me my receipt notice before July 23rd, hey? Maybe I should start some kind of a countdown on this page. Wonder how I can set that up? I shall have to explore this whole Blogger thing over the next couple of days. Anyway.
And as much as I love the guy, I don't want to get too nostalgic and homesick around Aaron. It's not that he wouldn't understand, or that he would resent it. I do have moments where I'm feeling sad or whatever, and I just have to say that I'm homesick and he's fantastic about it. But I don't want to overwhelm him. It's not his fault that I'm 15,000kms from my home. We love each other, and are in this whole marriage thing for the long haul, and we both knew that being married would include some incredible sacrifices for the both of us, more so than couples who are both from the same country. And more so for me, since it was more 'logical' for us to live here. I knew that, and I made the decision to move here. And I don't think it's fair for me to continually go on at him about how much I miss Australia, and how awesome it would be if we could move back, and why can't we move back right now, and so on. The truth is, I think about home a lot, and they're my thoughts. I can be pretty flighty and confusing in my thoughts, so to verbalise them can be pretty overwhelming for him, I'm sure.
This has turned out to be a much longer first post than I originally intended. Thus proving beyond any doubt that I have a lot to say. Also, if I got too emotional and whatever with the whole Australia thing just now, for anyone back home reading this, I'm sorry if I made you sad reading it. I do like it here, and I'm glad I'm here, but you know how it goes... be it ever so humble, there's no place like home, etc.
Okay well I think I'm heading off now! That's enough of an essay to get you all started. I will most likely be adding to this a lot over the next few days. And, as most of my long-time valued readers will know, I can sometimes go for long periods of time between entries... I'm like that. Easily distracted by new things and-- ooh look! That dog has a puffy tail!!
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