I had a bit of a breakdown the other night. You know how it goes - crying on your husband's shoulder in bed, not being able to shut your mind off to try and sleep, feeling miserable enough to transfer over to the next day. All that jazz. As it so often happens, it started as one tiny thing and gushed open into a million others.
It seems my current 'button' that pushes me over the edge is my milk supply. Now, Adelaide has had formula before at daycare when necessary, and although I'm not a huge fan of it, I'd rather her have that than go hungry. But as best as I can, I want to make sure she's eating as much breastmilk as possible. So when my supply goes wonky, I tend to go wonky also. And the other night, my supply was going wonky. In hindsight, it was probably due to being sick over the weekend, or maybe not drinking enough milk and/or water myself, but at the time I was freaking. It was about 10pm the night before an 8-hour shift - for which I had just over a full bottle for Laidey (about 6 or 7 ounces all up). True, she could just have formula if she gets hunrgy, but I think I was in a bit of a fragile mood anyway, because it got me crying. Not just that, though. The whole thing about why I even have to work at all.
I don't want to be one of those people who bitches about "back in the day it cost a nickel to fill the car up, and it'd run for dickety-six miles on the sniff of an oily rag". But with the price of gas, plus the price of childcare, going to work often seems like an exercise in futility. I'm making US$7 an hour. Minimum wage. Yeah, it sucks. Childcare and gas costs approximately $37 per shift. So in order to break even, I need to work for at least six hours at a time. At the moment, they're giving me 8-hour shifts, which is good, but it's still only getting me $56 a shift, before tax. At the very, very most, I'm making $20 a shift. So sometimes it's kinda depressing to think about.
Plus there's the whole maternal thing. I like to work (mostly), but I also like being a mother. I love my baby like you wouldn't believe, and I love to spend time with her. I know being a stay-at-home mum isn't an option, but it's a truth I accept and act upon reluctantly.
So, take the "exercise-in-futility" mindset, weigh it against the "I-love-spending-time-with-my-baby" mindset, and add to the mix the "holy-crap-my-supply-is-running-low" mindset, and... well it ain't pretty. As I said before, my brain wouldn't shut off, I couldn't fall back onto the whole Scarlett O'Hara mantra of "I won't think about it now; I'll think about it tomorrow". It was there, in the front of my mind, and I couldn't ignore it. I was working for pennies a day, which was taking me away from someone I love fiercely, and I couldn't even make it up to her by supplying her with enough food for while I was gone.
Fun times.
And I learnt something about myself while I was bawling my eyes out. Most of the time, the things I'm crying about aren't what they appear. It really wasn't my supply, or that I'm not making much money at work. It's that I'm not at home. That's really what it comes down to. I found myself thinking, "If only I was home. If only I was home I could be making so much more money... I wouldn't have to pay for childcare because Mum or Kerrin or someone could watch Adelaide... I wouldn't be living in my in-laws' basement... I would feel so much happier at home..."
And that's pretty much the core of anything I'm ever upset or angry or frustrated about these days. Everything comes back to "if I were at home, things would be different/easier/better."
I've got to stop thinking that way.
Simply put, I'm not home, and I won't be home for some years yet, most likely. It sucks, but that's the truth of it. I married Aaron knowing (though perhaps not to such an extreme extent) that life would be difficult for one of us no matter where we lived, and we made the choice to live in the States. This is where I'm living, this is where my "home" is right now.
Now, I'm not saying I should completely turn my back on Australia, or that being homesick is wrong. But to blame all my problems on being here instead of there, and imagining that everything would be hunky-dory if only we were back home, that's not helpful.
I sometimes get annoyed that I'm the one 'suffering' while Aaron gets to stay in his home land. But then I imagine moving back home with Aaron and Adelaide, and I see how crushed Mary and John would be... their already-small family being split in half. They love Adelaide so much, and she thinks they're just the bee's knees. I can't imagine it. And when I think seriously about moving home, when we start to think of the logistics, I can see why Aaron would be reluctant. We'd probably move back to Keith or Bordertown, so we'd be surrounded by a bunch of yobbos and bogans... not exactly Aaron's type of place.
Maybe it's that I'm more adaptable and flexible than he is. I never thought about that. I don't feel it very much, but I guess I kinda am. A lot of people have told me how much they admire me for moving halfway across the world from my home and family, and a lot of the time I just brush it off, joking that "love makes you do some crazy things". I don't see it as something admirable. I love Aaron, so I'm here. Simple as that. It's nothing I've worked hard for, or aimed for all my life. I fell in love, and now I'm here. It just happened. I know it's not really as simple as all that, but that's what it comes down to. If I'm really as homesick as this blog shows (and I'm sure I am), then it must be an insurmountable love that's keeping me here. And I know I've got that in Aaron. What a guy. <3
Well. I'm not sure exactly what this post was meant to be. It kinda went around in circles, and so if you're still with me, here at the end, I commend you. If I could give you a cookie, I would.
Showing posts with label aaron. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aaron. Show all posts
Jun 20, 2008
Jun 17, 2008
Sick! or, Father's Day 2008
"I don't like Fathers Day." This was Aaron's final summation of his very first Fathers Day. Personally I don't blame him one bit, considering at the time of his uttering aforementioned phrase, he was in bed battling nausea. And it was such a 'neat-o' experience that he shared it with me.
Father's Day began pretty nicely. Aaron did have to work that morning, from about 5:30 til 9:30, but he was used to it so it's not a huge deal. Then after Laidey and I got home from church, we all with John and Mary made a Fathers Day brunch. I'm not sure how widespread this type of brunch is in Australia; all I know is I never experienced it quite like this til I came to the States. Bacon, eggs, French toast, biscuits and gravy (biscuits = huge-arse buttery scones), juice (my new favorite, pomegranate blueberry - yum), and fruit. We had cantaloupe (= rockmelon), watermelon and strawberries. Everything was incredibly tasty, and we all ate quite a bit. Aaron opened his gifts (a two-year subscription to Motor Trend magazine, and his first inaugural Fathers Day Cheesy Tie), we lounged around and basically had a nice lazy morning. John and Mary went into town (= Brainerd) to do some shopping, and then to visit Mary's mom and dad, and once Laidey had napped and was ready, we would join them.
Aaron and I fell asleep on the couch, which I thought was due to a) him getting up early for work; and b) me getting up early for church. In hindsight it was probably the beginning of the whole sickness thing. Anyway, so we woke up and Laidey woke up, and we all got in the car and headed into town. On the way, I started to feel kinda weird. I guess Aaron did too, but he never said anything. We went and spent some time with Grandma and Grandpa, who were very pleased to see little Adelaide. Who of course showed off her new mad skillz by creeping across the table several times, and rolling and sitting like a pro! *bursting with maternal pride*
Soon, though, Aaron was looking tired, so we headed out. On the way home, we discovered we were both feeling pretty crappy. Which made itself known very rapidly as soon as we arrived home... poor Aaron threw up before we even got inside. The rest of the evening was spent making sure he was comfortable and that Laidey was entertained... before it hit me. I tell you what, nothing is more miserable than laying in bed, waiting to throw up. If Aaron wasn't sick too, I would have sworn it was morning sickness all over again.
So... yeah. That was Father's Day. Monday was spent with both of us at home. I think Adelaide got bored with just hanging out with Mumma on the couch, instead of playing with the other kids at daycare, but she did well and thankfully she didn't get sick.
Oh, which reminds me: not only did she dazzle us all with her creeping skillz, she also had her first taste of big-people food on Sunday!! I froze a piece of cantaloupe and put it inside a mesh pacifier thingo so she couldn't actually get any of it into her mouth. She was just able to suck on it and have a taste. I'm not sure entirely how successful the endeavour was - she seemed to enjoy the coolness of it on her gums to begin with, and when she reached the actual juicyness her expression changed. I don't think it was "Yuck" or "Yum", it was more "...well this is different." Of course she got very sticky, which meant Daddy gave her a nice warm bath in the middle of the day.
But it's back to work today. We're feeling much better. :)
Father's Day began pretty nicely. Aaron did have to work that morning, from about 5:30 til 9:30, but he was used to it so it's not a huge deal. Then after Laidey and I got home from church, we all with John and Mary made a Fathers Day brunch. I'm not sure how widespread this type of brunch is in Australia; all I know is I never experienced it quite like this til I came to the States. Bacon, eggs, French toast, biscuits and gravy (biscuits = huge-arse buttery scones), juice (my new favorite, pomegranate blueberry - yum), and fruit. We had cantaloupe (= rockmelon), watermelon and strawberries. Everything was incredibly tasty, and we all ate quite a bit. Aaron opened his gifts (a two-year subscription to Motor Trend magazine, and his first inaugural Fathers Day Cheesy Tie), we lounged around and basically had a nice lazy morning. John and Mary went into town (= Brainerd) to do some shopping, and then to visit Mary's mom and dad, and once Laidey had napped and was ready, we would join them.
Aaron and I fell asleep on the couch, which I thought was due to a) him getting up early for work; and b) me getting up early for church. In hindsight it was probably the beginning of the whole sickness thing. Anyway, so we woke up and Laidey woke up, and we all got in the car and headed into town. On the way, I started to feel kinda weird. I guess Aaron did too, but he never said anything. We went and spent some time with Grandma and Grandpa, who were very pleased to see little Adelaide. Who of course showed off her new mad skillz by creeping across the table several times, and rolling and sitting like a pro! *bursting with maternal pride*
Soon, though, Aaron was looking tired, so we headed out. On the way home, we discovered we were both feeling pretty crappy. Which made itself known very rapidly as soon as we arrived home... poor Aaron threw up before we even got inside. The rest of the evening was spent making sure he was comfortable and that Laidey was entertained... before it hit me. I tell you what, nothing is more miserable than laying in bed, waiting to throw up. If Aaron wasn't sick too, I would have sworn it was morning sickness all over again.
So... yeah. That was Father's Day. Monday was spent with both of us at home. I think Adelaide got bored with just hanging out with Mumma on the couch, instead of playing with the other kids at daycare, but she did well and thankfully she didn't get sick.
Oh, which reminds me: not only did she dazzle us all with her creeping skillz, she also had her first taste of big-people food on Sunday!! I froze a piece of cantaloupe and put it inside a mesh pacifier thingo so she couldn't actually get any of it into her mouth. She was just able to suck on it and have a taste. I'm not sure entirely how successful the endeavour was - she seemed to enjoy the coolness of it on her gums to begin with, and when she reached the actual juicyness her expression changed. I don't think it was "Yuck" or "Yum", it was more "...well this is different." Of course she got very sticky, which meant Daddy gave her a nice warm bath in the middle of the day.
But it's back to work today. We're feeling much better. :)
May 28, 2008
Hooray for band-wagons
Yes, I know. I've jumped on the Blogger band-wagon. Quite comfy actually, someone's thought to provide cushions - and is that a minibar I see?! Hot damn, I'm in good company.
So why am I starting this blog? As some of my long-standing valued readers may realise, I was quite a journaller (journalist? journalista?) back in the day. I have a box filled to the brim with old notebooks and exercise books that are full of my high-schoolish proses and musings. Mostly about boys. "OMG I'm totally in love with Scott/Duane/Ashley/Ben/Josh/Trevor/Ben/Josh/no, definitely Ben/Paul/Nathen." Yeah. You get the picture. Ahh, for the days of my youth. And I've had other blogs over the Intarwebz in the past, usually more of a "this is what I did today OH BOY IT'S GREAT FUN" variety. I've also been into musing on a spiritual level as well, having prayer journals in which I would write out my prayers and thoughts and worries and bring them to God, and sometimes I would write poems and songs.
My penchant for journalling and blogging seems to have lagged of late, mostly (I'd say) because I guess I lost my purpose or aim in exactly what I was doing. I remember first setting up an internet blog when I came to the States back in 2004, so that my family and friends could keep up with how my trip was going, but when I got back it kinda fizzled and became more about the lead-up to our wedding, and how much of a jerkwad my old boss was (he was an interesting one... he had some major anger management issues). Then over the past year, I've been somewhat preoccupied with the whole gestating, giving birth and being a mother thing. It's only taken over almost my entire life, so you can see how I may not have had much time for blogging anymore.
So why start one up now? Especially when I have a Totsite for my daughter, where I can update everyone on her progress, which is pretty much what is overtaking my life (see last sentence of above paragraph). Well, firstly, there's the whole band-wagon thing (did I mention the minibar? - mmm, mojitos...) and secondly, well, I have a lot to say I suppose. Some people here in the States probably don't realise it, and some people back home in Australia probably don't realise it either. I guess life is a lot different to how I pictured it, and seemingly I have adapted to fit into this new rollercoaster of a life. So I'd guess most of you don't really know much about how I think these days. But don't feel too bad, it isn't your fault. Adapting to my new life has seen me become a lot more introverted, maybe even a little fearful? No, that's not the right word. I guess, less trusting? No, wait. Argh. I suck at teh rytingz. I guess I mean, I'm not as willing to be open to anyone I meet anymore. I know this really is something I need to work on, and maybe something I need to trust God more for (more about That Guy in another entry), but the simple fact of the matter is, that's how I am these days. Or at least, for the time being. We'll see what the future holds.
I got lost... what was I saying? Oh yes. Why I'm starting a new blog. Well, I've realised recently that I've been getting more and more nostalgic when I think about Australia, and the family and friends I have back there (hence the url address of my site, stupidpacific.blogger.com - as in, "stupid Pacific Ocean, get outta my way"... get it? Yes? No? Okay). This could be because my visa is due to expire within the next two months - yeah, tell me about it! Two years has passed like a freight train. I'm in the process of adjusting my status - in fact, I'll hopefully be sending out the application on Friday. Let's just hope those lovely chaps at Immigration Services get to it and send me my receipt notice before July 23rd, hey? Maybe I should start some kind of a countdown on this page. Wonder how I can set that up? I shall have to explore this whole Blogger thing over the next couple of days. Anyway.
And as much as I love the guy, I don't want to get too nostalgic and homesick around Aaron. It's not that he wouldn't understand, or that he would resent it. I do have moments where I'm feeling sad or whatever, and I just have to say that I'm homesick and he's fantastic about it. But I don't want to overwhelm him. It's not his fault that I'm 15,000kms from my home. We love each other, and are in this whole marriage thing for the long haul, and we both knew that being married would include some incredible sacrifices for the both of us, more so than couples who are both from the same country. And more so for me, since it was more 'logical' for us to live here. I knew that, and I made the decision to move here. And I don't think it's fair for me to continually go on at him about how much I miss Australia, and how awesome it would be if we could move back, and why can't we move back right now, and so on. The truth is, I think about home a lot, and they're my thoughts. I can be pretty flighty and confusing in my thoughts, so to verbalise them can be pretty overwhelming for him, I'm sure.
This has turned out to be a much longer first post than I originally intended. Thus proving beyond any doubt that I have a lot to say. Also, if I got too emotional and whatever with the whole Australia thing just now, for anyone back home reading this, I'm sorry if I made you sad reading it. I do like it here, and I'm glad I'm here, but you know how it goes... be it ever so humble, there's no place like home, etc.
Okay well I think I'm heading off now! That's enough of an essay to get you all started. I will most likely be adding to this a lot over the next few days. And, as most of my long-time valued readers will know, I can sometimes go for long periods of time between entries... I'm like that. Easily distracted by new things and-- ooh look! That dog has a puffy tail!!
So why am I starting this blog? As some of my long-standing valued readers may realise, I was quite a journaller (journalist? journalista?) back in the day. I have a box filled to the brim with old notebooks and exercise books that are full of my high-schoolish proses and musings. Mostly about boys. "OMG I'm totally in love with Scott/Duane/Ashley/Ben/Josh/Trevor/Ben/Josh/no, definitely Ben/Paul/Nathen." Yeah. You get the picture. Ahh, for the days of my youth. And I've had other blogs over the Intarwebz in the past, usually more of a "this is what I did today OH BOY IT'S GREAT FUN" variety. I've also been into musing on a spiritual level as well, having prayer journals in which I would write out my prayers and thoughts and worries and bring them to God, and sometimes I would write poems and songs.
My penchant for journalling and blogging seems to have lagged of late, mostly (I'd say) because I guess I lost my purpose or aim in exactly what I was doing. I remember first setting up an internet blog when I came to the States back in 2004, so that my family and friends could keep up with how my trip was going, but when I got back it kinda fizzled and became more about the lead-up to our wedding, and how much of a jerkwad my old boss was (he was an interesting one... he had some major anger management issues). Then over the past year, I've been somewhat preoccupied with the whole gestating, giving birth and being a mother thing. It's only taken over almost my entire life, so you can see how I may not have had much time for blogging anymore.
So why start one up now? Especially when I have a Totsite for my daughter, where I can update everyone on her progress, which is pretty much what is overtaking my life (see last sentence of above paragraph). Well, firstly, there's the whole band-wagon thing (did I mention the minibar? - mmm, mojitos...) and secondly, well, I have a lot to say I suppose. Some people here in the States probably don't realise it, and some people back home in Australia probably don't realise it either. I guess life is a lot different to how I pictured it, and seemingly I have adapted to fit into this new rollercoaster of a life. So I'd guess most of you don't really know much about how I think these days. But don't feel too bad, it isn't your fault. Adapting to my new life has seen me become a lot more introverted, maybe even a little fearful? No, that's not the right word. I guess, less trusting? No, wait. Argh. I suck at teh rytingz. I guess I mean, I'm not as willing to be open to anyone I meet anymore. I know this really is something I need to work on, and maybe something I need to trust God more for (more about That Guy in another entry), but the simple fact of the matter is, that's how I am these days. Or at least, for the time being. We'll see what the future holds.
I got lost... what was I saying? Oh yes. Why I'm starting a new blog. Well, I've realised recently that I've been getting more and more nostalgic when I think about Australia, and the family and friends I have back there (hence the url address of my site, stupidpacific.blogger.com - as in, "stupid Pacific Ocean, get outta my way"... get it? Yes? No? Okay). This could be because my visa is due to expire within the next two months - yeah, tell me about it! Two years has passed like a freight train. I'm in the process of adjusting my status - in fact, I'll hopefully be sending out the application on Friday. Let's just hope those lovely chaps at Immigration Services get to it and send me my receipt notice before July 23rd, hey? Maybe I should start some kind of a countdown on this page. Wonder how I can set that up? I shall have to explore this whole Blogger thing over the next couple of days. Anyway.
And as much as I love the guy, I don't want to get too nostalgic and homesick around Aaron. It's not that he wouldn't understand, or that he would resent it. I do have moments where I'm feeling sad or whatever, and I just have to say that I'm homesick and he's fantastic about it. But I don't want to overwhelm him. It's not his fault that I'm 15,000kms from my home. We love each other, and are in this whole marriage thing for the long haul, and we both knew that being married would include some incredible sacrifices for the both of us, more so than couples who are both from the same country. And more so for me, since it was more 'logical' for us to live here. I knew that, and I made the decision to move here. And I don't think it's fair for me to continually go on at him about how much I miss Australia, and how awesome it would be if we could move back, and why can't we move back right now, and so on. The truth is, I think about home a lot, and they're my thoughts. I can be pretty flighty and confusing in my thoughts, so to verbalise them can be pretty overwhelming for him, I'm sure.
This has turned out to be a much longer first post than I originally intended. Thus proving beyond any doubt that I have a lot to say. Also, if I got too emotional and whatever with the whole Australia thing just now, for anyone back home reading this, I'm sorry if I made you sad reading it. I do like it here, and I'm glad I'm here, but you know how it goes... be it ever so humble, there's no place like home, etc.
Okay well I think I'm heading off now! That's enough of an essay to get you all started. I will most likely be adding to this a lot over the next few days. And, as most of my long-time valued readers will know, I can sometimes go for long periods of time between entries... I'm like that. Easily distracted by new things and-- ooh look! That dog has a puffy tail!!
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